New me, new blog.
Chelsea13.tumblr.com

Finally summer :)

A lot has changed lately. School is finally over! I officially made it through my first year of college. Brain injured and almost blind! :) I kept my GPA high enough to keep my scholarships. I have an apartment lined up for next semester with a real bed, my own bathroom, a living room and a full kitchen! I'm so excited to finally be able to cook. This year my weight has been up and down like crazy and it's been DRIVING me crazy. Last semester I was eating fruit and crystal light and 100 calorie packs and working out like a fiend.. only to gain more weight. (Now I understand why haha.) Every day since then I've researched and bought magazines and found recipes and seen nutritionists.. and I think I finally have it down. :) And then there's exercise, which I hated before. I've been working just as hard if not harder on that. I've had a few trainers from last June until now, almost a year. They've helped me out a lot. They all teach me so many things about my body I never knew before. I also did CardioPoint and CaloriePoint testing at Lifetime Fitness and got blood taken to make sure the accident didn't mess anything else up lol. The coma left my metabolism at pretty much zero, so I know that's to blame for most of my weight problems. They gave me a calender of cardio to do for three months and told me the range of calories I should be eating each day based on how active I am. I was eating SO much less than I should've been! And plus with how much I was working out, it was like hello.. no wonder! I lost almost 10 pounds in the first couple weeks and then I kind of leveled out for another week.. which really bothered me lol so I started the Elimination Diet. I figured if I'm doing all this and there's still a problem then maybe I'm allergic to something I'm eating. You do one week following a really strict diet and then you gradually add things in to see if you have reactions. I just finished my first week and added in corn today haha. Corn obiously isn't the problem. I'll be keeping up with that and hopefully by my birthday I'll have lost another 10. Hopefully! I may be getting a job at a gym next month, too. I really hope that works out. All this has consumed my life this year, so it's nice to be heading in the right direction. I feel like I can relax a little now.. peaceful. :)

Time to Move Forward

Sometimes I forget how precious my life is. Life, in general. There are so many things you can do with the one life you're given. Just thought I'd take some time to list all the things i'm thankful for :) Don't let your head get wrapped about the negative things!

----

That was an old post I wrote and never published. I've been in such a bad mood today. It's nice to see little reminders like that when my head's not on right. My problem this week is friendships. I had said last month that I wanted to spend this year working on my relationships with people. Maybe actually making real friends? The more people I talk to, the more I realize I'm not alone in that. We're not in high school anymore. Our best friends aren't in all of our classes and we don't all have lunch together. Some don't even go to the same school or live in the same state. So it's not all me, college makes it harder too. I think making friends is so hard for me now because of last year. Right around this time is when I realized I had none left. And then my boyfriend wanted every girl in Georgia besides me. That was an awesome feeling. God, I can't even describe how hard last year was for me... So lately I've gotten really close to someone and then all the sudden we pretty much stopped talking or seeing eachother all week. I've been in a complete panic. I don't want to get hurt again but I don't want to hurt anyone else either. My first instinct when I get hurt is to put my guards up and cut people off. It's so easy for me. Usually I don't even think twice but this time I decided to do things differently.. I told her how I felt. Amazing, right? Talking to people is so important! I'm a very intuitive person and even I can't read someone's mind, so why should I expect someone to read mine? I can't just cut people off with no explanation, I know that. And I think I can stop doing that now. I've been so lost with everything this week.. friends, boys, grades, money.. the typical stuff people my age freak out about. Normally I would say that my case is totally different and I was in an accident and lost all my friends and gained weight blah blah. But I think I'm over that :) Everyone has problems and obstacles. Some are much worse than mine, and some people don't handle them as well as I've been able to. It's been 2 years. I don't need to be Coma Girl anymore. As much as it scares me to let go of the one thing I can blame all my problems on, I think it will help me in the end.



"Tell me everything will be ok if I just stay on my knees and keep praying, believing in something. Tell me everything is all taken care of by those qualified to take care of it all... Wake up sleepy head. I think the sun's a little brighter today. Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the waters rising. Summer's here to stay, and that sweet summer breeze will blow forever. Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean." Dive In by Dave Matthews. I can't waaiitt to see this song live!

Happy :)

I don't know what it is lately, maybe this BEAUTIFUL weather, but I'm really happy with my life. I worked out with Doni (the trainer I met last week that was also in an accident) a lot this week. I feel so lucky to have all this experience already! It makes talking with people a lot more interesting. When I talk to people that haven't been through what I have, they listen to my story like they watch a movie. It surprises them and interests them and they love my happy ending. And when I talk to people that have been in my shoes, like Doni, it's completely different.. in a good way! We both wake up every morning thankful for the air we breathe and the fact that we can walk again. And then we see eachother, and we can talk about how amazing it was to wake up and breathe and walk that morning. If anyone is into astrology, the lunar month of Pisces starts the actual new year. So last weekend I thought about what I want to do with my amazing life this year. I decided I wanted to get closer to the things that are important to me. Family, friends, my health, being in shape, doing well in school, keeping busy.. just the simple stuff right now. My relationship with my family is muuuccchh better lately. Friends, too. Like I said before, I've always been able to make friends, but I've never kept any. Whether that's my fault or not, I don't know. But I'm really going to try to figure that out this year. As far as my health goes, I'm doing great right now. I've been running a lot more, so my lungs are getting stronger and I can breathe easier. I've been going out with friends, but I haven't been drinking at all. Not that I was a heavy drinker before, but it's so unimportant to me I just don't need to be doing it. I feel like every time I drink, I'm slapping myself in the face. Like, "Hello! Look at everything you've worked for! Don't be stupid." There's a time and a place for everything, and every weekend with anybody who's willing to join me is not one. Besides running, I've been working with a personal trainer as much as I can. When I don't do that, I train myself. Which is hard, but I'm really proud of how good I've gotten at it. I think I might change my major and do something in health and fitness. I also reeaally want to play soccer. :( I can't play sports because of my brain injury. If I had no conscience, I would be signed up already.. but mom would have a stroke or something. The only "sport" I can think of that I could do is Kickboxing. I'm definitely doing that over the summer when I have money. One more thing to look forward to! Summer! A new job, making money, kickboxing, not having to worry about school, nice weather, getting a tan.. I can't wait! Who knows.. maybe I'll meet somebody, too. :)

"Early in the morning, it’s the dawn of a new day. New hopes, new dreams, new ways. I open up my heart, and I’m gon’ do my part and make this a positively beautiful day." :) India.Arie

My Bucket List!

Can't beat the odds twice! :) I think these are a great idea and everyone should make one. And fulfill them!

- Meet Dave Matthews, John Mayer (again, without wheelchair), and Robert Pattenson
- Ride on a motorcycle
- Get a moped
- Have another eye surgery and fix double vision
- See a healer
- Meditate on a mountain top
- Travel to Africa, Italy, Greece, Amsterdam, England, Ireland, Scotland, Spain, Jamaica, Australia, Haiti, Hawaii, etc.
- Photograph wild animals and birds on other countries
- Eat healthy food in other countries that we don’t have here
- Open café / health food / organic clothing store
- Spend a year in the Peace Corps
- Adopt a child from a third world country
- Run a marathon
- Give inspirational speeches
- Publish a book or article (or both!)
- Spend the night on a house boat
- Get my makeup and hair done professionally
- Go to the opera
- Win money
- Go to Bonnaroo
- Paint a VW van and travel across America with friends
- Be on the Oprah Show or in the audience
- Date an older man
- Buy a poster from every concert I go to
- Help someone change their life for the better

This is no where near done...

Anger.

So, I just tried to explain to someone why living in anger is a waste of time, and apparently my opinion was a waste of time. I see people every day with frowns on their faces, hands over their ears, and judgement in their eyes. I can't stand it. It's beyond the point of making me angry. I feel bad for them. And I feel even worse for the people who feel unwelcome, whose voices aren't heard, or who are judged off appearance. What started our argument was the Oscars last night. I sat there admiring all the successful people. Their clothing, their composure, their bravery, their achievements.. everything. It's so deserving of appreciation. And then I listened to what was being said on the other side of the room. "God he is so homely!", "What the hell is she wearing...", and "Ewww Miley Cyrus!". Among other things. So, I said something. I told the little boy that he shouldn't be judging people about how big their nose is because he doesn't even know that person. Which, I doubt made a difference. To push me off the edge just a little more, something angry was said again tonight. It wasn't what was actually said, but the tone of it. The anger behind it. Why be angry? Why waste time thinking that way? When watching the Oscars, why not think, "I'm not surprised Quentin Tarantino won that award, he's an amazing director." Oh, my mistake. You're allowed to say he's an ugly m-effer if you don't approve of the kinf of movies he directs. I know I'm not perfect and I judge, too. I get angry too and yell too and cuss too. There's just so much hate in the world and it's really getting to me. People hate other religions and other countries. They hate smokers and drinkers. They hate blacks, whites, mexicans. They hate bible huggers and activists and protesters and even the president! Can you only love people that you approve of? Or like, even?

I Choose.

"I choose to be the best that I can be. To be courageous in everything I do. My past don't dictate who I am, so I choose. I choose." --India Arie

When I was growing up, I listened to India Arie a lot. The messages she sends through her music are so powerful. So beautiful. I could go on forever about how much I love her, but that's not really the point. Let me start from the beginning.

Before the accident, I only thought of food and exercise as "I can't eat this or I'll gain weight" or "I had cake, I should go work out". It was never about vitamins or hydration or my heart being strong. Since I've gotten out of rehab, I live for my health. I eat well, I exercise daily, I drink water instead of diet coke.. I care. I go to a university that's progressively taking their students' health more seriously. Healthy(ish) food choices at the dining hall, a wellness center (with a free nutritionist), tons of health classes, and a really nice gym. The gym offers free personal training, so I've been doing that for about 6 months. Each time I meet a new trainer, they read my file and see everything that happened to me in the accident. I'm not saying this to sound conceited, but I think the majority of them are pretty blown away at how far I've come. Hell, even I'm blown away. The trainer I had today was also in a car accident, and we talked the whole time about our experiences. She said her's wasn't as bad, but it was very different from mine and from the sound of it, it was equally as miserable. Miserable in a good way, if that makes any sense. I think it was our mindset that was so similar. We both said if we were given the choice, we wouldn't take the accident back. No one else I've told that to believes me or understands, so it was really nice to have someone understand me for once. How I see it is, this terrible thing that happened has taught me so many important lessons. It's helped me to realize the things that are important in my life and to be thankful for them, and helped me to accept the hard things I'm faced with. I know I'm a strong person now. I've flourished. No one can take that away from me, and that's such a good feeling. :) So - if I could - why would I give that away willingly? You know? I'm just really thankful I got to end my day talking to her.

Gratitude.

I couldn't sleep again last night, so mom stayed up and talked with me. We talked for hours about all the things i'm going through right now. So many things seem to pile up until I can't handle them on my own anymore. As much as I try. Because I really do try. Being independent is SUCH a blessing to me. The fact that I had strangers bathing me and dressng me and helping me go to the bathroom - which i'm extemely thankful for- has scarred me for life lol. It stripped me of all the independence I'd worked for up until that point. That was a really terrible feeling for me. But anyways.. I was telling mom how I never saw myself crying over the accident two years later. Considering the doctors told her I was doomed to be a vegetable for the rest of my life, I'm not surprised that she predicted things better than I did. She said that the accident sucked and i'll probably be crying over it forever, with some colorful language haha. Not to make me feel guilty, but because I needed to admit it. I've spent so much time harping about how this was a blessing that I haven't let myself admit how hard it's been. But now I can! This is hard and I'm sick of it! 80% of the time I want to break down and cry, quit school, run away, find a guy that will take care of me, get liposuction.. I don't know, anything to help me escape. The other 20% of the time, I have total peace of mind. My mom's friends always tell me that I've come to some realizations that most people their age haven't even figured out yet. I'm learning so many life lessons that some people never get a chance to learn. It's hard, yes, but maybe that's one more reason (I think) this is such a blessing. I think the thing that's important for me to remember on those bad days is how much I've learned and am still learning from this, and to have gratitude.

Stages

So.. part of having a brain injury is being tired all the time and never being able to sleep. :( I said on my last post that healing brain injuries come in many stages. First - whether this was because of the coma or not, I don't know - I was asleep 90% of the time. I'd push really hard when I needed to and then I'd crash. Then I went through the "I'm so thankful for everything I just want to cry" phase.. for a couple weeks. That didn't last long. I got it in my head that crying meant I wasn't a strong person. In that situation, I was too scared of not being strong enough. I didn't cry for months after that. I had so many feelings bottled up, I took them out on everyone. My friends, my boyfriend, my parents. It was terrible.
I remember I never talked to anyone on the phone because my voice was too weak from the treach I had, so I texted all day long. As soon as someone pissed me off I blew up their phone saying the nastiest things I could think of. My friends didn't want to put up with it anymore, so they didn't. Not even my best friend, the girl who was in the accident with me. She was there every day in the hospital, and wrote letters for me to read when I woke up, and made a scrapbook of the day before the accident (my 17th birthday), and left me voicemails when she missed me. She did everything right. I really feel like I let her down. All I had left was my boyfriend and my parents, which actually was a blessing because that's when I needed them the most.



Every day I pushed my boyfriend away more and more. I was either way too clingy, telling him I wanted to marry him, or I was a psychotic bitch that wanted to ruin his life. Pretty much. He fell out of love with me real quick. And I don't think I blame him. I wish he would've stuck with me until I was myself again, but.. we were still in high school. I had to be home every day so we couldn't go out or party together anymore, I couldn't drive because of all the damage to my eyes (which I now know is permanent.. awesome), I couldn't go watch his soccer games, we couldn't even have a conversation because I would forget what I was saying mid-sentence or slur all my words (it took a long time to get used to talking again because I hadn't been able to in so long).. Basically, I couldn't do anything but be depressed and pissed off. That isn't anyone I'd want to be in love with. Especially being so young, it was too big of a responsibility for him.



I know that's the truth and I can admit it, but I haven't been able to accept it yet. It really hurt, both times. I hated myself for it. And what did that mean? That I was more depressed and pissed off. Mom got it the hardest, I think. She was taking care of me 25/8, so she always got it in person. She knew me the best and knew the things I was saying weren't really how I felt, so she stuck with me through everything. I made it so hard sometimes. We fought every single day for such a long time. Growing up, we were really close, and then as I got older I got closer to my friends and pushed her away. I think that's pretty normal for how old I was, so that wasn't too big of a deal. But then in the year leading up to the accident I got worse. Which i'm sure is normal, too. I was a huge brat. Ironic that a 17 year old brat behind the wheel of a car wrecked it within 2 months of getting it, huh? Ugh.
In the past couple months I've gotten most of my sanity back and can really appreciate having my mom in my life. My dad, too, I can't forget him. He doesn't ask me a million questions about my day like mom does, but I know I could go to him for anything and he'd be there. I think that's what matters. I love them both and I owe so much of my recovery to them.
Going from such a happy person to someone like that - me and mom call that person "Psyco Bitch" - was a huge change for everyone in my life. It's sad that I lost some of the people I loved most in the world and would do anything for. And probably still would. Psycho Bitch stage lasted over a year, and now my memory loss is the biggest issue. Because I'm not so angry anymore, I'm handling it a lot better. My brain finds ways to take over sometimes, so I'm still depressed a lot. What happened was so traumatic, that might not go away for a long time. But that's okay! One day at a time, right? :)

"There's bad times, but that's okay. Just look for love in it. Don't burn the day away." Dave Matthews (my favorite quote from my favorite band)

Who I Am Today

I am a normal 18 year old female in college. I am curvy, scarred up, a procrastinater, I make friends easily but can't seem to keep them, and I either worry too much or don't care enough about something. But I am also opimistic and positive, I am diligent, and I am truely blessed. I am a survivor.
I said a lot about what happened to me, but nothing about how far I've come! And trust me, even I am surprised about how far that is. After I was awake and semi-coherant, they moved me to a second hospital where I could start my rehabilitation. I RE-learned how to sit up and brush my hair and teeth, then how to attempt putting clothes on haha (if you saw what was on my pelvis.. you'd understand why that was so hard). They slowly taught me how to start drinking again and then eating (I had a feeding tube for almost 3 months and I was DYING for some Wendys.. no pun intended lol). Once I could sit up and roll myself around in my wheelchair, without rolling into the wall everywhere I went (and that definitely happened a lot), I got to start playing guitar hero and baking cupcakes and pretty much learning how to live all over again. I got to go home in time for the concert and had a week off after that, but then the real rehab started. I relearned my days, weeks, months, colors, animals, times tables.. everything! Plus I had to learn how to read with double vision. Ahh! So much stuff at one time, but i'm thankful it came together so quickly.
With a brain injury, recovery comes in stages.. many stages. Those were all my phsyical recoveries. My brain hadn't even started to fix itself yet. I didn't handle it with as much grace as I could have, and I hurt a lot of people along the way, but it's finally starting to slow down. So now is my chance to make up for how I've acted and help anyone else that might be going through something this hard. No one should ever have to go through something alone.


--Ms. Kerri. A family friend and one of the people that helped me the most last year!

There's a place in my heart for everyone. In these past 2 years, so many people have given me little pieces of my life back. The least I could do is make someone else's a little happier. And I hope I do :)

"My New Life" - dad's song

Dad wrote this for me when I was "sleepin". :) I think it's beautiful. I love John Mayer and I listened to him non-stop back then, so we always said it would be amazing if he covered it. I actually met him the day after I got out of the hospital, I should've asked him!



My New Life...

WHY DO I HEAR
BUT I CANNOT SEE
WHY AM I HERE
THIS CANNOT BE


IS THIS THE BEGINNING
IS THIS THE END
I FEEL THAT I'M BROKEN
HOW WILL I MEND


AT TIMES I FLY
I SEE THE SKY
I FEEL THE WIND
I'M ASKING WHY
I HEAR THE WORDS
" THERE WILL BE STRIFE
BUT DONT DISPAIR
THERE'LL BE NEW LIFE "


I'M MOVING ON
THERE IS NO TIME
ONLY THE LIGHTS
BRING PEACE OF MIND


I BEGIN TO BREATHE
I'M READY TO SPEAK
I OPEN MY EYES
NEW LIFE I SEEK


SO WHAT WAS OLD
I STILL CAN HOLD
BUT LEAVE IT THERE
IS WHAT I'M TOLD
THIS LIFE IS NEW
THIS LOVE IS TRUE
AND ALL ARE HERE
TO WELCOME YOU


SO HERE I AM
AND THAT WAS THEN
I CAN RECALL
THE WORDS AGAIN
THE WIND THE SKY
THE BREATH THE WHY
ITS WORTH THE STRIFE
ITS MY NEW LIFE

How It All Started

When I tell people I was in a car accident, it's hard to explain how serious it was. Here's what happened...

I was turning left from a stopsign and I was t-boned on my side, directly on my seat. I broke 12 ribs, my sternum, and my pelvis in 5 places. I ruptured both lungs, my bladder, a kidney, and my spleen. When they got to me, my heart rate was in the low 30s. I was told that if it goes lower than 30, you usually don‘t make it. I was drowning on my own blood and wasn't breathing. My chance of survival was 13%. I was in a coma immediately upon impact and stayed in it for 5 weeks. Two weeks into it, I inhaled vomit while being re-intubated, and got pneumonia, and almost died a second time. I had a traumatic brain injury to my brain stem, where the main bleed was, and my left temporal lobe. By the time I was put in a room, the surgeons had told my parents that I may not ever wake up. And if I did, I was expected to be a vegetable. My parents would have to feed me, bathe me, dress me, and push my wheelchair - for the rest of my life.
The healing and hospitalization was hard for me and my family, but it showed us all the strength we had - for ourselves and the other people in our family. We were a team. Now that I'm on my own and in college, things have gotten hard again. It's up to me to wake up in the morning, go about my day without falling on my ass, and go to bed ready for another day. It's important for people to know that you can still have a "normal" life despite abnormalities.

My Story...

I'm Chelsea, a college student with a brain injury, double vision, and short-term memory loss. July 4th of 2008, I was in a terrible car accident. I go through life trying to be myself as much as I can. I get praise for my strength and my tenacity, but that's only an outside perspective. No one really sees through my eyes. I want people to hear my story, but not to brag about how many bones I've broken. I want to show everyone that 1) You can find strength in yourself you never knew was there. 2) Every terrible situation you look at through positive eyes can turn out okay in the end. And 3) You can reach out to people! Not everyone is here to hurt you, most will actually be waiting with open arms. Do you want to hear my story?