Stages

So.. part of having a brain injury is being tired all the time and never being able to sleep. :( I said on my last post that healing brain injuries come in many stages. First - whether this was because of the coma or not, I don't know - I was asleep 90% of the time. I'd push really hard when I needed to and then I'd crash. Then I went through the "I'm so thankful for everything I just want to cry" phase.. for a couple weeks. That didn't last long. I got it in my head that crying meant I wasn't a strong person. In that situation, I was too scared of not being strong enough. I didn't cry for months after that. I had so many feelings bottled up, I took them out on everyone. My friends, my boyfriend, my parents. It was terrible.
I remember I never talked to anyone on the phone because my voice was too weak from the treach I had, so I texted all day long. As soon as someone pissed me off I blew up their phone saying the nastiest things I could think of. My friends didn't want to put up with it anymore, so they didn't. Not even my best friend, the girl who was in the accident with me. She was there every day in the hospital, and wrote letters for me to read when I woke up, and made a scrapbook of the day before the accident (my 17th birthday), and left me voicemails when she missed me. She did everything right. I really feel like I let her down. All I had left was my boyfriend and my parents, which actually was a blessing because that's when I needed them the most.



Every day I pushed my boyfriend away more and more. I was either way too clingy, telling him I wanted to marry him, or I was a psychotic bitch that wanted to ruin his life. Pretty much. He fell out of love with me real quick. And I don't think I blame him. I wish he would've stuck with me until I was myself again, but.. we were still in high school. I had to be home every day so we couldn't go out or party together anymore, I couldn't drive because of all the damage to my eyes (which I now know is permanent.. awesome), I couldn't go watch his soccer games, we couldn't even have a conversation because I would forget what I was saying mid-sentence or slur all my words (it took a long time to get used to talking again because I hadn't been able to in so long).. Basically, I couldn't do anything but be depressed and pissed off. That isn't anyone I'd want to be in love with. Especially being so young, it was too big of a responsibility for him.



I know that's the truth and I can admit it, but I haven't been able to accept it yet. It really hurt, both times. I hated myself for it. And what did that mean? That I was more depressed and pissed off. Mom got it the hardest, I think. She was taking care of me 25/8, so she always got it in person. She knew me the best and knew the things I was saying weren't really how I felt, so she stuck with me through everything. I made it so hard sometimes. We fought every single day for such a long time. Growing up, we were really close, and then as I got older I got closer to my friends and pushed her away. I think that's pretty normal for how old I was, so that wasn't too big of a deal. But then in the year leading up to the accident I got worse. Which i'm sure is normal, too. I was a huge brat. Ironic that a 17 year old brat behind the wheel of a car wrecked it within 2 months of getting it, huh? Ugh.
In the past couple months I've gotten most of my sanity back and can really appreciate having my mom in my life. My dad, too, I can't forget him. He doesn't ask me a million questions about my day like mom does, but I know I could go to him for anything and he'd be there. I think that's what matters. I love them both and I owe so much of my recovery to them.
Going from such a happy person to someone like that - me and mom call that person "Psyco Bitch" - was a huge change for everyone in my life. It's sad that I lost some of the people I loved most in the world and would do anything for. And probably still would. Psycho Bitch stage lasted over a year, and now my memory loss is the biggest issue. Because I'm not so angry anymore, I'm handling it a lot better. My brain finds ways to take over sometimes, so I'm still depressed a lot. What happened was so traumatic, that might not go away for a long time. But that's okay! One day at a time, right? :)

"There's bad times, but that's okay. Just look for love in it. Don't burn the day away." Dave Matthews (my favorite quote from my favorite band)