Gratitude.

I couldn't sleep again last night, so mom stayed up and talked with me. We talked for hours about all the things i'm going through right now. So many things seem to pile up until I can't handle them on my own anymore. As much as I try. Because I really do try. Being independent is SUCH a blessing to me. The fact that I had strangers bathing me and dressng me and helping me go to the bathroom - which i'm extemely thankful for- has scarred me for life lol. It stripped me of all the independence I'd worked for up until that point. That was a really terrible feeling for me. But anyways.. I was telling mom how I never saw myself crying over the accident two years later. Considering the doctors told her I was doomed to be a vegetable for the rest of my life, I'm not surprised that she predicted things better than I did. She said that the accident sucked and i'll probably be crying over it forever, with some colorful language haha. Not to make me feel guilty, but because I needed to admit it. I've spent so much time harping about how this was a blessing that I haven't let myself admit how hard it's been. But now I can! This is hard and I'm sick of it! 80% of the time I want to break down and cry, quit school, run away, find a guy that will take care of me, get liposuction.. I don't know, anything to help me escape. The other 20% of the time, I have total peace of mind. My mom's friends always tell me that I've come to some realizations that most people their age haven't even figured out yet. I'm learning so many life lessons that some people never get a chance to learn. It's hard, yes, but maybe that's one more reason (I think) this is such a blessing. I think the thing that's important for me to remember on those bad days is how much I've learned and am still learning from this, and to have gratitude.