Gratitude.

I couldn't sleep again last night, so mom stayed up and talked with me. We talked for hours about all the things i'm going through right now. So many things seem to pile up until I can't handle them on my own anymore. As much as I try. Because I really do try. Being independent is SUCH a blessing to me. The fact that I had strangers bathing me and dressng me and helping me go to the bathroom - which i'm extemely thankful for- has scarred me for life lol. It stripped me of all the independence I'd worked for up until that point. That was a really terrible feeling for me. But anyways.. I was telling mom how I never saw myself crying over the accident two years later. Considering the doctors told her I was doomed to be a vegetable for the rest of my life, I'm not surprised that she predicted things better than I did. She said that the accident sucked and i'll probably be crying over it forever, with some colorful language haha. Not to make me feel guilty, but because I needed to admit it. I've spent so much time harping about how this was a blessing that I haven't let myself admit how hard it's been. But now I can! This is hard and I'm sick of it! 80% of the time I want to break down and cry, quit school, run away, find a guy that will take care of me, get liposuction.. I don't know, anything to help me escape. The other 20% of the time, I have total peace of mind. My mom's friends always tell me that I've come to some realizations that most people their age haven't even figured out yet. I'm learning so many life lessons that some people never get a chance to learn. It's hard, yes, but maybe that's one more reason (I think) this is such a blessing. I think the thing that's important for me to remember on those bad days is how much I've learned and am still learning from this, and to have gratitude.

Stages

So.. part of having a brain injury is being tired all the time and never being able to sleep. :( I said on my last post that healing brain injuries come in many stages. First - whether this was because of the coma or not, I don't know - I was asleep 90% of the time. I'd push really hard when I needed to and then I'd crash. Then I went through the "I'm so thankful for everything I just want to cry" phase.. for a couple weeks. That didn't last long. I got it in my head that crying meant I wasn't a strong person. In that situation, I was too scared of not being strong enough. I didn't cry for months after that. I had so many feelings bottled up, I took them out on everyone. My friends, my boyfriend, my parents. It was terrible.
I remember I never talked to anyone on the phone because my voice was too weak from the treach I had, so I texted all day long. As soon as someone pissed me off I blew up their phone saying the nastiest things I could think of. My friends didn't want to put up with it anymore, so they didn't. Not even my best friend, the girl who was in the accident with me. She was there every day in the hospital, and wrote letters for me to read when I woke up, and made a scrapbook of the day before the accident (my 17th birthday), and left me voicemails when she missed me. She did everything right. I really feel like I let her down. All I had left was my boyfriend and my parents, which actually was a blessing because that's when I needed them the most.



Every day I pushed my boyfriend away more and more. I was either way too clingy, telling him I wanted to marry him, or I was a psychotic bitch that wanted to ruin his life. Pretty much. He fell out of love with me real quick. And I don't think I blame him. I wish he would've stuck with me until I was myself again, but.. we were still in high school. I had to be home every day so we couldn't go out or party together anymore, I couldn't drive because of all the damage to my eyes (which I now know is permanent.. awesome), I couldn't go watch his soccer games, we couldn't even have a conversation because I would forget what I was saying mid-sentence or slur all my words (it took a long time to get used to talking again because I hadn't been able to in so long).. Basically, I couldn't do anything but be depressed and pissed off. That isn't anyone I'd want to be in love with. Especially being so young, it was too big of a responsibility for him.



I know that's the truth and I can admit it, but I haven't been able to accept it yet. It really hurt, both times. I hated myself for it. And what did that mean? That I was more depressed and pissed off. Mom got it the hardest, I think. She was taking care of me 25/8, so she always got it in person. She knew me the best and knew the things I was saying weren't really how I felt, so she stuck with me through everything. I made it so hard sometimes. We fought every single day for such a long time. Growing up, we were really close, and then as I got older I got closer to my friends and pushed her away. I think that's pretty normal for how old I was, so that wasn't too big of a deal. But then in the year leading up to the accident I got worse. Which i'm sure is normal, too. I was a huge brat. Ironic that a 17 year old brat behind the wheel of a car wrecked it within 2 months of getting it, huh? Ugh.
In the past couple months I've gotten most of my sanity back and can really appreciate having my mom in my life. My dad, too, I can't forget him. He doesn't ask me a million questions about my day like mom does, but I know I could go to him for anything and he'd be there. I think that's what matters. I love them both and I owe so much of my recovery to them.
Going from such a happy person to someone like that - me and mom call that person "Psyco Bitch" - was a huge change for everyone in my life. It's sad that I lost some of the people I loved most in the world and would do anything for. And probably still would. Psycho Bitch stage lasted over a year, and now my memory loss is the biggest issue. Because I'm not so angry anymore, I'm handling it a lot better. My brain finds ways to take over sometimes, so I'm still depressed a lot. What happened was so traumatic, that might not go away for a long time. But that's okay! One day at a time, right? :)

"There's bad times, but that's okay. Just look for love in it. Don't burn the day away." Dave Matthews (my favorite quote from my favorite band)

Who I Am Today

I am a normal 18 year old female in college. I am curvy, scarred up, a procrastinater, I make friends easily but can't seem to keep them, and I either worry too much or don't care enough about something. But I am also opimistic and positive, I am diligent, and I am truely blessed. I am a survivor.
I said a lot about what happened to me, but nothing about how far I've come! And trust me, even I am surprised about how far that is. After I was awake and semi-coherant, they moved me to a second hospital where I could start my rehabilitation. I RE-learned how to sit up and brush my hair and teeth, then how to attempt putting clothes on haha (if you saw what was on my pelvis.. you'd understand why that was so hard). They slowly taught me how to start drinking again and then eating (I had a feeding tube for almost 3 months and I was DYING for some Wendys.. no pun intended lol). Once I could sit up and roll myself around in my wheelchair, without rolling into the wall everywhere I went (and that definitely happened a lot), I got to start playing guitar hero and baking cupcakes and pretty much learning how to live all over again. I got to go home in time for the concert and had a week off after that, but then the real rehab started. I relearned my days, weeks, months, colors, animals, times tables.. everything! Plus I had to learn how to read with double vision. Ahh! So much stuff at one time, but i'm thankful it came together so quickly.
With a brain injury, recovery comes in stages.. many stages. Those were all my phsyical recoveries. My brain hadn't even started to fix itself yet. I didn't handle it with as much grace as I could have, and I hurt a lot of people along the way, but it's finally starting to slow down. So now is my chance to make up for how I've acted and help anyone else that might be going through something this hard. No one should ever have to go through something alone.


--Ms. Kerri. A family friend and one of the people that helped me the most last year!

There's a place in my heart for everyone. In these past 2 years, so many people have given me little pieces of my life back. The least I could do is make someone else's a little happier. And I hope I do :)

"My New Life" - dad's song

Dad wrote this for me when I was "sleepin". :) I think it's beautiful. I love John Mayer and I listened to him non-stop back then, so we always said it would be amazing if he covered it. I actually met him the day after I got out of the hospital, I should've asked him!



My New Life...

WHY DO I HEAR
BUT I CANNOT SEE
WHY AM I HERE
THIS CANNOT BE


IS THIS THE BEGINNING
IS THIS THE END
I FEEL THAT I'M BROKEN
HOW WILL I MEND


AT TIMES I FLY
I SEE THE SKY
I FEEL THE WIND
I'M ASKING WHY
I HEAR THE WORDS
" THERE WILL BE STRIFE
BUT DONT DISPAIR
THERE'LL BE NEW LIFE "


I'M MOVING ON
THERE IS NO TIME
ONLY THE LIGHTS
BRING PEACE OF MIND


I BEGIN TO BREATHE
I'M READY TO SPEAK
I OPEN MY EYES
NEW LIFE I SEEK


SO WHAT WAS OLD
I STILL CAN HOLD
BUT LEAVE IT THERE
IS WHAT I'M TOLD
THIS LIFE IS NEW
THIS LOVE IS TRUE
AND ALL ARE HERE
TO WELCOME YOU


SO HERE I AM
AND THAT WAS THEN
I CAN RECALL
THE WORDS AGAIN
THE WIND THE SKY
THE BREATH THE WHY
ITS WORTH THE STRIFE
ITS MY NEW LIFE

How It All Started

When I tell people I was in a car accident, it's hard to explain how serious it was. Here's what happened...

I was turning left from a stopsign and I was t-boned on my side, directly on my seat. I broke 12 ribs, my sternum, and my pelvis in 5 places. I ruptured both lungs, my bladder, a kidney, and my spleen. When they got to me, my heart rate was in the low 30s. I was told that if it goes lower than 30, you usually don‘t make it. I was drowning on my own blood and wasn't breathing. My chance of survival was 13%. I was in a coma immediately upon impact and stayed in it for 5 weeks. Two weeks into it, I inhaled vomit while being re-intubated, and got pneumonia, and almost died a second time. I had a traumatic brain injury to my brain stem, where the main bleed was, and my left temporal lobe. By the time I was put in a room, the surgeons had told my parents that I may not ever wake up. And if I did, I was expected to be a vegetable. My parents would have to feed me, bathe me, dress me, and push my wheelchair - for the rest of my life.
The healing and hospitalization was hard for me and my family, but it showed us all the strength we had - for ourselves and the other people in our family. We were a team. Now that I'm on my own and in college, things have gotten hard again. It's up to me to wake up in the morning, go about my day without falling on my ass, and go to bed ready for another day. It's important for people to know that you can still have a "normal" life despite abnormalities.

My Story...

I'm Chelsea, a college student with a brain injury, double vision, and short-term memory loss. July 4th of 2008, I was in a terrible car accident. I go through life trying to be myself as much as I can. I get praise for my strength and my tenacity, but that's only an outside perspective. No one really sees through my eyes. I want people to hear my story, but not to brag about how many bones I've broken. I want to show everyone that 1) You can find strength in yourself you never knew was there. 2) Every terrible situation you look at through positive eyes can turn out okay in the end. And 3) You can reach out to people! Not everyone is here to hurt you, most will actually be waiting with open arms. Do you want to hear my story?