Time to Move Forward

Sometimes I forget how precious my life is. Life, in general. There are so many things you can do with the one life you're given. Just thought I'd take some time to list all the things i'm thankful for :) Don't let your head get wrapped about the negative things!

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That was an old post I wrote and never published. I've been in such a bad mood today. It's nice to see little reminders like that when my head's not on right. My problem this week is friendships. I had said last month that I wanted to spend this year working on my relationships with people. Maybe actually making real friends? The more people I talk to, the more I realize I'm not alone in that. We're not in high school anymore. Our best friends aren't in all of our classes and we don't all have lunch together. Some don't even go to the same school or live in the same state. So it's not all me, college makes it harder too. I think making friends is so hard for me now because of last year. Right around this time is when I realized I had none left. And then my boyfriend wanted every girl in Georgia besides me. That was an awesome feeling. God, I can't even describe how hard last year was for me... So lately I've gotten really close to someone and then all the sudden we pretty much stopped talking or seeing eachother all week. I've been in a complete panic. I don't want to get hurt again but I don't want to hurt anyone else either. My first instinct when I get hurt is to put my guards up and cut people off. It's so easy for me. Usually I don't even think twice but this time I decided to do things differently.. I told her how I felt. Amazing, right? Talking to people is so important! I'm a very intuitive person and even I can't read someone's mind, so why should I expect someone to read mine? I can't just cut people off with no explanation, I know that. And I think I can stop doing that now. I've been so lost with everything this week.. friends, boys, grades, money.. the typical stuff people my age freak out about. Normally I would say that my case is totally different and I was in an accident and lost all my friends and gained weight blah blah. But I think I'm over that :) Everyone has problems and obstacles. Some are much worse than mine, and some people don't handle them as well as I've been able to. It's been 2 years. I don't need to be Coma Girl anymore. As much as it scares me to let go of the one thing I can blame all my problems on, I think it will help me in the end.



"Tell me everything will be ok if I just stay on my knees and keep praying, believing in something. Tell me everything is all taken care of by those qualified to take care of it all... Wake up sleepy head. I think the sun's a little brighter today. Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the waters rising. Summer's here to stay, and that sweet summer breeze will blow forever. Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean." Dive In by Dave Matthews. I can't waaiitt to see this song live!

Happy :)

I don't know what it is lately, maybe this BEAUTIFUL weather, but I'm really happy with my life. I worked out with Doni (the trainer I met last week that was also in an accident) a lot this week. I feel so lucky to have all this experience already! It makes talking with people a lot more interesting. When I talk to people that haven't been through what I have, they listen to my story like they watch a movie. It surprises them and interests them and they love my happy ending. And when I talk to people that have been in my shoes, like Doni, it's completely different.. in a good way! We both wake up every morning thankful for the air we breathe and the fact that we can walk again. And then we see eachother, and we can talk about how amazing it was to wake up and breathe and walk that morning. If anyone is into astrology, the lunar month of Pisces starts the actual new year. So last weekend I thought about what I want to do with my amazing life this year. I decided I wanted to get closer to the things that are important to me. Family, friends, my health, being in shape, doing well in school, keeping busy.. just the simple stuff right now. My relationship with my family is muuuccchh better lately. Friends, too. Like I said before, I've always been able to make friends, but I've never kept any. Whether that's my fault or not, I don't know. But I'm really going to try to figure that out this year. As far as my health goes, I'm doing great right now. I've been running a lot more, so my lungs are getting stronger and I can breathe easier. I've been going out with friends, but I haven't been drinking at all. Not that I was a heavy drinker before, but it's so unimportant to me I just don't need to be doing it. I feel like every time I drink, I'm slapping myself in the face. Like, "Hello! Look at everything you've worked for! Don't be stupid." There's a time and a place for everything, and every weekend with anybody who's willing to join me is not one. Besides running, I've been working with a personal trainer as much as I can. When I don't do that, I train myself. Which is hard, but I'm really proud of how good I've gotten at it. I think I might change my major and do something in health and fitness. I also reeaally want to play soccer. :( I can't play sports because of my brain injury. If I had no conscience, I would be signed up already.. but mom would have a stroke or something. The only "sport" I can think of that I could do is Kickboxing. I'm definitely doing that over the summer when I have money. One more thing to look forward to! Summer! A new job, making money, kickboxing, not having to worry about school, nice weather, getting a tan.. I can't wait! Who knows.. maybe I'll meet somebody, too. :)

"Early in the morning, it’s the dawn of a new day. New hopes, new dreams, new ways. I open up my heart, and I’m gon’ do my part and make this a positively beautiful day." :) India.Arie

My Bucket List!

Can't beat the odds twice! :) I think these are a great idea and everyone should make one. And fulfill them!

- Meet Dave Matthews, John Mayer (again, without wheelchair), and Robert Pattenson
- Ride on a motorcycle
- Get a moped
- Have another eye surgery and fix double vision
- See a healer
- Meditate on a mountain top
- Travel to Africa, Italy, Greece, Amsterdam, England, Ireland, Scotland, Spain, Jamaica, Australia, Haiti, Hawaii, etc.
- Photograph wild animals and birds on other countries
- Eat healthy food in other countries that we don’t have here
- Open café / health food / organic clothing store
- Spend a year in the Peace Corps
- Adopt a child from a third world country
- Run a marathon
- Give inspirational speeches
- Publish a book or article (or both!)
- Spend the night on a house boat
- Get my makeup and hair done professionally
- Go to the opera
- Win money
- Go to Bonnaroo
- Paint a VW van and travel across America with friends
- Be on the Oprah Show or in the audience
- Date an older man
- Buy a poster from every concert I go to
- Help someone change their life for the better

This is no where near done...

Anger.

So, I just tried to explain to someone why living in anger is a waste of time, and apparently my opinion was a waste of time. I see people every day with frowns on their faces, hands over their ears, and judgement in their eyes. I can't stand it. It's beyond the point of making me angry. I feel bad for them. And I feel even worse for the people who feel unwelcome, whose voices aren't heard, or who are judged off appearance. What started our argument was the Oscars last night. I sat there admiring all the successful people. Their clothing, their composure, their bravery, their achievements.. everything. It's so deserving of appreciation. And then I listened to what was being said on the other side of the room. "God he is so homely!", "What the hell is she wearing...", and "Ewww Miley Cyrus!". Among other things. So, I said something. I told the little boy that he shouldn't be judging people about how big their nose is because he doesn't even know that person. Which, I doubt made a difference. To push me off the edge just a little more, something angry was said again tonight. It wasn't what was actually said, but the tone of it. The anger behind it. Why be angry? Why waste time thinking that way? When watching the Oscars, why not think, "I'm not surprised Quentin Tarantino won that award, he's an amazing director." Oh, my mistake. You're allowed to say he's an ugly m-effer if you don't approve of the kinf of movies he directs. I know I'm not perfect and I judge, too. I get angry too and yell too and cuss too. There's just so much hate in the world and it's really getting to me. People hate other religions and other countries. They hate smokers and drinkers. They hate blacks, whites, mexicans. They hate bible huggers and activists and protesters and even the president! Can you only love people that you approve of? Or like, even?

I Choose.

"I choose to be the best that I can be. To be courageous in everything I do. My past don't dictate who I am, so I choose. I choose." --India Arie

When I was growing up, I listened to India Arie a lot. The messages she sends through her music are so powerful. So beautiful. I could go on forever about how much I love her, but that's not really the point. Let me start from the beginning.

Before the accident, I only thought of food and exercise as "I can't eat this or I'll gain weight" or "I had cake, I should go work out". It was never about vitamins or hydration or my heart being strong. Since I've gotten out of rehab, I live for my health. I eat well, I exercise daily, I drink water instead of diet coke.. I care. I go to a university that's progressively taking their students' health more seriously. Healthy(ish) food choices at the dining hall, a wellness center (with a free nutritionist), tons of health classes, and a really nice gym. The gym offers free personal training, so I've been doing that for about 6 months. Each time I meet a new trainer, they read my file and see everything that happened to me in the accident. I'm not saying this to sound conceited, but I think the majority of them are pretty blown away at how far I've come. Hell, even I'm blown away. The trainer I had today was also in a car accident, and we talked the whole time about our experiences. She said her's wasn't as bad, but it was very different from mine and from the sound of it, it was equally as miserable. Miserable in a good way, if that makes any sense. I think it was our mindset that was so similar. We both said if we were given the choice, we wouldn't take the accident back. No one else I've told that to believes me or understands, so it was really nice to have someone understand me for once. How I see it is, this terrible thing that happened has taught me so many important lessons. It's helped me to realize the things that are important in my life and to be thankful for them, and helped me to accept the hard things I'm faced with. I know I'm a strong person now. I've flourished. No one can take that away from me, and that's such a good feeling. :) So - if I could - why would I give that away willingly? You know? I'm just really thankful I got to end my day talking to her.